Near to you (Jean x Reader)

"hey, hey (name) I heard your a really good singer!" Hanji's grinning face jumped in front of your (e/c) eyes causing you to almost drop your spoonful of food onto your lap, managing to save it.
"Where did you hear that?" You muttered, returning to eating normally as Hanji leaned closer towards you causing you to lean back as you sighed, putting your spoonful of food down in defeat.
"Just around." Hanji laughed it off as you rolled your eyes sourly, a small pout of distaste lining your lips as you shot the full power of your gaze at her.
"If I could, why do you want to know?" You hummed, ignoring the quake in your stomach at the thought but kept a straight face in front of the mad scientist.
"Well~ to celebrate you all joining, even thought its a month late, I made Erwin organise a song party. Karaoke or even your own song, what you say want to sign up?" Hanji quickly blurted out in an excited frenzy as she shoved a piece of paper into your face, you sighed pushing the paper away and standing from your seat.

"Sorry I'll pass." You waved her off as she pulled a sad face at you as if begging but you ignored it heading across the mess hall with a shake of your head.
"Jean~ I thought you said she was good and loved to sing?" Hanji complained, her words causing you to pause as you turned on the spot finding the supposed horse faced male in seconds. Your (e/c) eyes narrowing in a deathly glare as you walked across the room, his face switching from anger at Hanji to that of fear and sadness as you bore down on him.
"You. Did. What?" You growled, grabbing him by the collar causing everyone to shoot you a look of surprise, you were not usually one for aggression.
"W-well you did used to love to sing... I just thought it would help." Jean slumped slightly, his eyes averted in apology that caused further irritation to flare.
"Don't." You muttered as you released his collar, turning as you hid your (h/c) hair behind your face.
"Don't what?" He called, you heard the bench push back as he stood, looking over your shoulder with a sad smile.
"Don't try to help me, you'll get hurt." You sighed, leaving the mess hall as you ran a hand through your (h/c) hair feeling the quake in you once again causing you to pause.

ignore it you told yourself as you continued down the hall, footsteps catching your attention as you glanced over your shoulder into light brown eyes.
"What is it Jean." You hummed sourly, the male cutting off your path as he stepped in front of you grabbing your shoulders forcing you to stay and look at him.
"I'm sorry okay, I just wanted to try and help you, you used to sing so much... for yourself and for..." He breathed out heavily as you glanced up into the light brown eyes filled with worry, filled with a care that scared you.
"Don't" You stated once again.
"I miss him too." Jean continued ignoring your words as you hid behind your (h/c) hair, his grip tight on your shoulders as you shook slightly.
"(Name) I miss Marco too but.."
"Stop it!" You shouted, the tears breaking through as you slapped him across the cheek in your anger. His face contorted in surprise and pain as your breath hitched in a sob, the tears spilling over as your throat closed from the sadness finally hitting you.

"But I am still here and I still mean what I said that day (name)." Jean finished, ignoring the sharp pain on his cheek as he met your tear filled eyes once again. You shook your head, pushing past him as the past swelled up inside you as you ran towards your room. Pain, sadness, confusion all of it drowning you.

*Flashbacks*
"(N-name) I really... like you." Marco's voice stuttered as you looked up surprised into his freckled face, a smile bursting across your lips as you replied to his confession.
"I like you too freckles."

"Wow (name) you have a really beautiful singing voice." Marco's grinning face next to you as you sung to yourself quietly.

"You want to join the survey corps? That's really dangerous, come to the military police with me!" He had begged you when he found out your plans for the end of training, worry written over the face you loved so much.

"Well if your joining the survey corps than so am I!" He had declared to you one day, a worry hitting you as you knew he was doing it for you. For your dream, for your safety but you couldn't do that to him.

"Marco, you love the idea of serving the king. More than me, or freedom, or the survey corps. Go, join the military police and be safe... but I don't think you can if your with me. So to make it easier for you... its over." You had practically choked on the words almost a year before the ending of your training. Not wanting Marco to be weighed down, to stop his true love for the people and the king be hindered by... you.

"Hi (name)." Jeans voice cut through your loneliness on the day of the results as you looked up at him while cutting off your humming with a small smile of hello, he tilted his head with worry.
"What's wrong?" He questioned catching you by surprise, he wasn't exactly the sensitive or caring type normally. You glanced up at him with wide (e/c) eyes once again raising an eyebrow.
"Nothing, why are you so caring suddenly?" You hummed in a quick reply with a small laugh as he frowned pouting.
"I care about people too..." He muttered causing you to laugh more at his pout, reaching up as you scuffed his mismatched hair.
"Sure, like who?" You continued to laugh, feeling light for the first time in a long time; free from the strange loneliness from Marco's absence, but what you did was for the best. It felt strange talking to Marco's best friend but it felt liberating to talk normally, to smile and laugh.
"People..." Jean sighed pushing off the question as you just smiled at him with a small nod.
"Sure whatever you say." You grinned, once again humming to yourself a tune that had been in your head for a while; a few words escaping as you sung quietly while waiting for the ceremony.
"By the way you have a really nice voice." Jean quickly muttered to you just as the announcement of result started, your (e/c) eyes widening at the pink tint on Jean's cheek as he glanced at you with a grin before turning to attention.

"(Name)!" Jean called as you checked your straps for the 100th time, his face filled with the same fear as your own as he reached you. The titans had broken in, again the titans had broken in and you had to fight them. You had wanted this all along, the freedom that would be gained through fighting to be rid of them but you were scared.
"Jean? Why aren't you in the interior I thought you planned join the Military Police with Marco?!" You watched him wide eyed as he glanced around at the others who were all nervously running around, fear sweating from everyone.
"Our boat is tomorrow so we're here. I just had to... I had to tell you..." Jean spluttered as you felt your heart freeze over, Jean and Marco were here. The people you cared for and classed as friends who you had thought safe were here in the middle of hell with you and they were just as scared as you were.
"Tell me what?" You shakily breathed, your body already filled with adrenaline and fear that calmed as you felt arms grab yours. Soft lips met yours in a sudden kiss as Jean gripped your arms pulling you into him, his lips trembling against yours before he pulled away, your looked at him wide eyed unsure what to say.
"Your the one I care about, I know you probably still have feelings for Marco but I had to tell you... just- just in case. I really hope I get to hear you singing one day after this." He shot you a anxiety filled smile as you watched him run off into the crowds of military personal. Your lips still lingering with his taste and touch as your legs buckled causing you to sit there blankly staring into the crowd he had faded into, a fear consuming you more than before.

*Flashback end*

You and Jean had survived that day, but he never heard you sing. No one had heard you sing let alone hum since Marco's death. A hole forming in your heart of regret and sadness, you felt like you couldn't sing any more. It would be too painful. But Jean had been there, no matter how many times you had pushed him away, screamed at him, hit him or cried into his chest in the middle of the night he had been there holding you so carefully. making you feel so light and... safe. Yet all you had done in return was shout, glare or slap him. Never responding to his feelings despite clinging to his touch many nightmare filled nights, feeling his lips on your forehead as you cried yourself to sleep in his warmth. You had never said how you felt about him...
Guilt hit your stomach as you sat up from your bed which you had flopped onto loosing yourself in your memories, swinging your legs over the edge of the bed as you sat at the small desk. Grabbing a piece of paper as you let out a small rough hum of a tune.

*Timeskip*

You swallowed thickly, the sound of music echoing through the survey corps HQ as Reiner and a very awkward Bertholdt sung 'wrecking ball' at the top of their lungs. You stood from your desk taking a final glance down at the piece of paper scrawled with words before heading out the door, tension knotting in your stomach as you came closer to the music. Entering the lantern light mess hall to see a hysterical Hanji at the 'party' along with a smiling Erwin and laughing Cadets at Reiners dance moves as Bertholdt tried to run off stage red faced and sweating awkwardly.
"Hanji." You walked up to her quietly tapping her on the shoulder as she looked up and grinned at you.
"Change your mind?" Hanji beamed as you looked away feeling awkward.
"Finally made up my mind is more like it." You sighed as she nodded.
"Okay you can go next." Hanji beamed as you nodded, standing at the corner or the room ensuring you weren't noticed as Reiner came to the end of his small solo. You kicked off the wall feeling the tension inside you increase as butterfly's played through your insides.
"Jean." You called, the tall male looking over at you surprised from where he was laughing next to Connie your (e/c) eyes avoiding his light brown ones as he walked over.

"What's wrong?" He called in the usual caring way he held only for you as you fiddled with the edge of your shirt, your eyes cast to the ground causing your (h/c) hair to fall over your face.
"I am sorry about earlier, about everything horrible I have ever done. At screaming and crying and shouting and slapping you. I am sorry I never responded to your feelings or let you hear me sing. I was selfish clinging onto the past I caused instead of looking into the future." You spoke slowly to allow your brain to work through what you wanted to say, your eyes glancing up through your lashes to see his eyes wide in surprise.
"B-but I want to fix that so..." You quickly spoke, leaning up as you placed a soft kiss on his lips before pulling away. Hanji sending you a thumbs up as Reiner finally left the 'stage' laughing to himself like a fool.

"(names) going to sing?" Sasha whispered a bit to loudly as you smiled nervously.
"I have been told twice by two very special people that I have a good singing voice, but I haven't sung lately. I haven't felt like I could or even should but I feel like I haven't done a lot of things, like say how I feel so... here goes." Your eyes focused on Jean, a pink tint remaining on his cheeks as he watched you with wide eyes that sparked with happiness.
(www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWiytx… if you want to listen to full song)

He and I had something beautiful but so dysfunctional it couldnt last,
I loved him so but I let him go cause I knew he'd never love me back,
Such pain as this shouldn't have to be experienced,
I'm still reeling from the loss still a little bit delirious.

You voice sung out tunefully, Jean's eyes softening in sadness at the meaning behind your words. A few of the other Cadets looking away sadly having known of your relationship with Marco, you took a breath to continue. To let Jean know your feelings as you captured his eyes once more.

Near to you I am healing but its taking so long,
cause though he's gone and you are wonderful its hard to move on,
Yet I'm better near to you,

You and I, it is different and I'm enjoying it cautiously,
I am battle scarred I am working oh so hard to get back to who I used to be,
he's disappearing, fading subtly, I'm so close to being yours,
wont you stay with me... please?

Cause near to you I am healing but its taking so long,
cause though he's gone and you are wonderful its hard to move on,
yet I'm better near to you, Yet I'm better near to you.

You finished, silence filling the room before clapping started; a few smiles of encouragement as you stepped down from the stage and walked over to Jean. He smiled softly at you as you looked up into those light brown eyes.
"I am scared of this Jean, of caring again but... I only know that I am better where you are." You breathed as his arms wrapped around you as he placed a gentle kiss on your forehead.
"I am sure Marco would want you to be happy again, he never hated you or despised you for breaking things off (name) he only wanted you to be happy, just as I do." He breathed into your (h/c) hair as you gripped his shirt tightly for comfort before wrapping your arms around his neck to hug him back. His warmth and scent easing the pain in your heart as he held you close, a small smile forming on your lips.

"Thank you Jean, for everything. I always want to be near to you, even if I am scared of it." You whispered into his ear before pulling away and placing a light kiss on his lips once again setting his cheeks pink once again.